sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
