"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
