That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
