My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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