Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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