i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
