I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
