I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
