i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
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