my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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