I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
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grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
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