I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
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explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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