I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Randomize
