i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
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He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
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The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".