hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
