I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize