just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
