I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
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