I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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