Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
we made out on top of his cat.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
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