oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
