hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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