Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
