I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
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