when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
