We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
