When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Randomize
