We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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