a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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