No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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