so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
