i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
