my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
