So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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