I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.