The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
