I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n