I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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