I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
