Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
