I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
