your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
