wrigley field is MILF paradise
my phone needs a breathalizer
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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