in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
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EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
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I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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