I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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