that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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