Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
