I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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