my phone needs a breathalizer
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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