I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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