How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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