I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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