i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
