The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
