Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
