I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
