I wish I could teleport
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
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