matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
