Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
