i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
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smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
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the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Randomize